Why can’t we get a little Elizabethan all up in here? Or a little later, with sweet dresses and cardigans, nice pants and blazers… Brogues and victorian boots… and please, why can’t we make clothes out of materials that actually last? Shoes out of proper materials, leather/suede? None of this vinyl, pleather and synthetic shite. My shoes should last more than a month.
Why don’t people grow their hair long these days? I take such pride in long hair… It’s versatile and lovely. Not that I don’t like some of the edgy shorter cuts, but people just seem to chop it all off for no reason. Oh, my hair is annoying, it’s summer, I might hack it all off, it’ll grow back. But it won’t grow back by winter, and you’re sitting there all cold and wishing you hadn’t.
Here are some of the most disgusting awful fashion trends I’ve seen out and about lately & sarcastic comments.
* Harem Pants – Please, help me to understand. They look awful. Unless you’re actually partaking in a spot of bellydancing, it makes no sense. (Not that a belly dancer would have any inclination to buy a pair for dancing in, because they’re entirely the wrong cut to actually be real harem pants. I know – I have a pair.) I have only ever once seen them actually looking nice. It was a slightly older lady, wearing black heavily buckled cork high heels, black pants and a white singlet with a braided belt over that. Not what I would have picked, but the only time I’ve seen them looking vaguely right.
* Crocs – I simply don’t understand. Not only do they look AWFUL, they have holes in them, so are clearly not weather proof, and are made from hideous foamy crap. Why? Why?! Oh, let’s add some delightful jewels, or daisies, or PIRATE HEADS. HIDEOUS.
* BamBam hairstyles – Now I’m not saying I’ve got anything against BamBam, cause she was pretty cute. But, she had a dinosaur for a pet, and was a baby. Why, school girls, do you think it’s cool and pretty and the “in thing”, to put your hair in a blob directly on top of your head, and tie a ribbon around it? You look fucking ridiculous.
* Tiny tiny skirts – Yes, we get it, if your skirt was a centimetre higher we could actually see your anus. Why is this attractive? Because, I would really rather not stand behind you on the escalator if you’re going to flash me your ass. That CAN’T be comfortable. Ok, you’ve got legs. Nice to see them. But did we really need to see them all the way to your crotch?
* Thongs – I don’t know if this is just a me thing… but I hate thongs. I think they look awful, they place horrid strain on your feet and toes, and quite frankly, I don’t want to see your toes at all. When it comes to women wearing strappy sandals/thongs, pretty much ninety nine percent of the time they actually have nice, well groomed, un-ugly toes and toe nails. Let’s talk about men shall we? Fucking trim your toenails you disgusting specimens. You’re incredibly gross and make me want to vomit. Do men just have this irrational fear of their own toes? My boy is always immaculately groomed, (thank GOD), so it can’t be a gender wide thing… I think it all comes down to one thing – if you have awful toes/toenails, then you shouldn’t be allowed to wear open shoes, like, by law.
* Beanies – Ugliest Hats Ever. I will make an exception in saying that knitted ones for women and girls in pastel colours or cute shapes, (like monkey and panda faces), are adorable. But dude, you’re wearing a Jim Beam beanie. You have it pulled all the way down your neck, because you have a small head and would have to fold it up, but that isn’t applicable in bogan code for some reason. You have either a disgusting mullet, or tiny weird curls sticking out from underneath the awful hat, giving you the appearance of a dumbass, a peanut in it’s shell, or a woodland creature. (No, forgive me woodland creatures, you’re mostly lovely, even if you do try to bite my arms off).
* Gladiator sandals – Fuck. Me. Have you ever seen a real gladiators sandal? They’re actually a bit of alright. You know, if you’re a gladiator, or rocking the grecian styles. But the SHIT they’re coming out with these days, straps and buckles, no worries, but just strips of vinyl and synthetic crap strung together to look like a boot? AWFUL. Please don’t wear them with leggings and a singlet, because you look stupid. Really. Really. Stupid.
* Now this is completely not fashion related, but it needs to be said. Showers. Please. You know what they are. Old dude, I know you like coleslaw, you come in every day to get a tub of it, and it’s like you’re afraid of water, because you smell like ass. I can see that your hair is wet, and with anyone else I’d think, “Gee, that person must have just had a shower before they came to the shops, to visit me where I work in the deli section, and perchance buy some ham”, but you, oh no. It’s like wow, “Pretty sure you’ve been getting down with the pigs and they gave you a urine rinse for your hair. And now… Now they demand coleslaw.”
I um. I think I might be done now.
X…Cheshire Kittin…X
