…I Guess I Grew Up…

I remember when I used to be amazed simply by the way the sun streamed into my bedroom through the curtains.
I remember when the stars were wonderous and I could stare for hours, and feel empowered by them, the tiny pinpricks of light.
I remember when it was enough to be laying on my bed, listening to music, not a care in the world.
I remember when it was easy to be joyous and stress-free, it was automatic, like breathing.
I remember when I didn’t have bills. It was great.
I remember when this song, this music, used to scream at my soul. And I remember screaming back.
I remember when summer was mild, and I enjoyed being in the sun.
I remember being content to hang out with the cats.
I remember when I didn’t need glasses, and I didn’t know what needles felt like, and I didn’t have to monitor all the sugar going into my blood.
I remember when I thought I was invincible and I never once thought I’d end up with some sort of terrible condition.
I remember when I could eat something and not have to think about it.
I remember sitting in a classroom for hours on end, bored out of my brains, and now I realise how much time I wasted.

Now I’m Diabetic, and it feels like my fault. I don’t like that pang of non-sensical guilt.
Now I stress about bills and living conditions.
Now I have no kitties.
Now I don’t notice the sky, or the clouds, or the stars.
Now I barely have time to breathe.
Now I have glasses, and contacts, and I can barely put the bastards in my eyes.
Now I know the touch of a needle every day. I know the feel, I know the sting, I know the mark it leaves.
Now I have to think about breathing.
Now summers scorch and burn and I spend my days sweating, nights in sleeplessness.
Now I listen to music to take me back to other times. Other feelings, other memories and countless depressive moods… just to be selfish and live in the past for a little while.

X…Cheshire Kittin…X

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